so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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