i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
