I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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