When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Congratulations! We have a period
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