my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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