Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
