Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
