im about as happy as oj after his trial
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
