I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
