I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
