fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
