im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
