So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
