I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
