i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
