Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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