I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
