peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
