we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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