I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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