im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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