his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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