when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
