Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize