The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
