i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
