there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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