Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
