Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
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my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
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she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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