I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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