Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
