Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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