her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
