After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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