i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
