sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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