Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
