Plan B is the new Plan A
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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