In America we eat man semen.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
