So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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