All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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