she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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