Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
