I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
