Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
