Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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