Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
