Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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