I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
