Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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