there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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