i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
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just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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