I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
