apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
