so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
