i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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