my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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